Friday, December 04, 2009


I'm not usually a cusser. (Full disclosure: I have been known to use a common vulgarism for excrement when I hit or pinched a finger, dropped a glass or spilled my tea, but that doesn't really count as cussing.) Yesterday morning, I came in to work, looked at a fax that had come in overnight and cussed. WTF!!!! Only I didn't use the initials.

What caused me to cuss was a fax from Newt Gingrich's organization, "American Solutions for Winning the Future," addressed to "John." The first sentence was as follows: "Thanks to the help of business leaders across the country Newt has begun to get our message across that the Obama Administration is bad for America and bad for businesses like yours." What?? "OUR message?" As Tonto said to the Lone Ranger when the they were surrounded by Indians and the Lone Ranger said, "We have to do something," "What do you mean, 'WE, keemo sabe?'" The Obama Administration is bad for MY business? MY business is suing people. So what bad thing have they done for MY business?

The fax goes on to say, "I hope you don't mind but I went ahead and personally recommended you to Newt to become a member of his high level, 'Jobs and Prosperity Task Force.' This is Newt's group of top advisers from the Business community and I think you would be a terrific addition to the group!" So, you hope I don't mind that you personally recommended me to Newt. Yeah, right, dipshit. I mind and you better personally tell Newt, that Crockhead is pissed!

That wasn't even the worst part. The fax goes on to say,
"We would like to send out the attached Press Release to your local paper announcing your appointment and run a full page ad in the Wall Street Journal with your name in it endorsing our 'Jobs Here, Jobs Now, Jobs First Campaign,' which includes a complete abolishment of the 'Death Tax'."

What??? A press release announcing my appointment? Even our local Republican rag would use such a press release for toilet paper. (Well, actually they wouldn't because it would clog up the sewer, but you get the point.) Endorsing the complete abolishment of the "Death Tax?" For your information, ass wipe,the so-called "Death Tax" only applies to estates larger than 3.5 million dollars in 2009, and Congress is in the process of passing legislation to extend that exemption indefinitely. So, exactly how is it that letting people who inherit (not work for, but INHERIT) 3.5 million dollars not pay any taxes on it, help create jobs? The same way the Bush tax cuts for the rich created jobs?

My son, who is working two jobs to keep himself and his wife clothed, sheltered and fed and can't afford health insurance, has to pay taxes on what he EARNS. So, why should heirs who do nothing but exist,have their multi-million dollars be exempt from taxes? And, how exactly does that create jobs? The same way that the Bush Administration's tax cuts for the wealthy created jobs? How stupid do you think the American people are? (On second thought, don't answer that question.)

The last page in the fax was a mock-up of the full page Wall Street Journal advertisement with my name at the top of the list of "business leaders." I called the number in Washington (1-866-716-3386, if you want to personally tell Newt Gingrich what you think of him) and demanded to speak to the person who had sent me the letter. "He is busy," the telephone operator said. "Please, personally give Newt this message from his friend, John," I said (actually, I wish I had said, but everything else in this post is true:)
"Newt, you swine. You vulgar little maggot. You worthless bag of filth. As they say in Texas. I'll bet you couldn't pour piss out of a boot with instructions on the heel. You are a canker. A sore that won't go away.
You are a putrescent mass, a walking vomit. You are a spineless little worm deserving nothing but the profoundest contempt. You are a jerk, a cad, a weasel. Your life is a monument to stupidity. You are a stench, a revulsion, a big suck on a sour lemon.

"You are a bleating foal, a curdled staggering mutant dwarf smeared richly with the effluvia and offal accompanying your alleged birth into this world. An insensate, blinking calf, meaningful to nobody, abandoned by the puke-drooling, giggling beasts who sired you and then killed themselves in recognition of what they had done.

"I will never get over the embarrassment of belonging to the same species as you. You are a monster, an ogre, a malformity. I barf at the very thought of you. You have all the appeal of a paper cut. Lepers avoid you. You are vile, worthless, less than nothing. You are a weed, a fungus, the dregs of this earth. And did I mention you smell?

"You snail-skulled little rabbit. Would that a hawk pick you up, drive its beak into your brain, and upon finding it rancid set you loose to fly briefly before pattering the ocean rocks with the frothy pink shame of your ignoble blood. May you choke on the queasy, convulsing nausea of your own trite, foolish beliefs.

"You are weary, stale, flat and unprofitable. You are grimy, squalid, nasty and profane. You are foul and disgusting. You're a fool, an ignoramus. Monkeys look down on you. Even sheep won't have sex with you. You are unreservedly pathetic, starved for attention, and lost in a land that reality forgot.

"And what meaning do you expect your delusionally self-important statements of unknowing, inexperienced opinion to have with me? What fantasy do you hold that you would believe that your tiny-fisted tantrums would have more weight than that of a leprous desert rat, spinning rabidly in a circle, waiting for the bite of the snake? You are a waste of flesh. You have no rhythm. You are ridiculous and obnoxious. You are the moral equivalent of a leech. You are a living emptiness, a meaningless void. You are sour and senile. You are a disease, you puerile one-handed slack-jawed drooling meatslapper.

"On a good day you're a half-wit. You remind me of drool. You are deficient in all that lends character. You have the personality of wallpaper. You are dank and filthy. You are asinine and benighted. You are the source of all unpleasantness. You spread misery and sorrow wherever you go.

"You smarmy lagerlout git. You bloody woofter sod. Bugger off, pillock. You grotty wanking oik artless base-court apple-john. You clouted boggish foot-licking twit. You dankish clack-dish plonker. You gormless crook-pated tosser. You churlish oil-brained clotpole ponce. You cockered bum-bailey poofter. You craven dewberry pisshead cockup pratting naff. You gob-kissing gleeking flap-mouthed coxcomb. You dread-bolted fobbing beef-witted clapper-clawed flirt-gill.

"You are a fiend and a coward, and you have bad breath. You are degenerate, noxious and depraved. I feel debased just for knowing you exist. I despise everything about you, and I wish you would go away. I cannot believe how incredibly stupid you are. I mean rock-hard stupid. Dehydrated-rock-hard stupid. Stupid so stupid that it goes way beyond the stupid we know into a whole different dimension of stupid. You are trans-stupid stupid. Meta-stupid. Stupid collapsed on itself so far that even the neutrons have collapsed. Stupid gotten so dense that no intellect can escape. Singularity stupid. Blazing hot mid-day sun on Mercury stupid. You emit more stupid in one second than our entire galaxy emits in a year. Quasar stupid. Your writing has to be a troll. Nothing in our universe can really be this stupid. Perhaps this is some primordial fragment from the original big bang of stupid. Some pure essence of a stupid so uncontaminated by anything else as to be beyond the laws of physics that we know. I'm sorry. I can't go on.This is an epiphany of stupid for me. After this, you my not hear from me again for a while. I don't have enough strength left to deride your half baked comments about unimportant trivia, or any of the rest of this drivel. Duh.

"The only thing worse than your logic is your manners. Maybe later in life, after you have learned to read, write, spell, and count, you will have more success. True, these are rudimentary skills that many of us "normal" people take for granted that everyone has an easy time of mastering. But we sometimes forget that there are "challenged" persons in this world who find these things more difficult. If I had known, that this was your case then I would have never read your fax. It just couldn't have been "right". Sort of like parking in a handicap space. I wish you the best of luck in the emotional, and social struggles that seem to be placing such a demand on you.

"You are hypocritical, greedy, violent, malevolent, vengeful, cowardly, deadly, mendacious, meretricious, loathsome, despicable, belligerent,opportunistic, barratrous, contemptible, criminal, fascistic, bigoted, racist, sexist, avaricious, tasteless, idiotic, brain-damaged, imbecilic,insane, arrogant, deceitful, demented, lame, self-righteous, byzantine,conspiratorial, satanic, fraudulent, libelous, bilious, splenetic, spastic, ignorant, clueless, illegitimate, harmful, destructive, dumb, evasive, double-talking, devious, revisionist, narrow, manipulative,
paternalistic, fundamentalist, dogmatic, idolatrous, unethical, cultic, diseased, suppressive, controlling, restrictive, malignant, deceptive, dim, crazy, weird, dystopic, stifling, uncaring, plantigrade, grim, unsympathetic, jargon-spouting, censorious, secretive, aggressive, mind-numbing, arassive, poisonous, flagrant, self-destructive, abusive, socially-retarded, puerile, clueless, and generally Not Good.

"In other words, go away."


PG said...

I take it you were displeased.

Catch Her in the Wry said...

Someone was eating entirely too much sugar as he was perusing the thesaurus.

Surely that fax was not legit.

Crockhead said...

Catch, the thought did occur to me that I have one or two friends who might try to jerk my chain. The telephone number was legit. What I want to know is who gave the organization my name. I have some strong suspects. If I find out who it was, I will be doing more than cussing. Actually, I expect I was one of 20 million people personally asked to accept this "honor."

one is 1 said...

Yes, gormless, definitely gormless. You've said it all.

Anonymous said...

You didn't leave anything out, did you? There is little left unsaid.

Did someone put you on Newt's list to get under your skin? not just under your skin, but a direct intravenous injection at a fairly high temperature. You certainly came out of an extended dormancy.

forsythia said...

Have been off-line this week (what's a "laptop?") because I fell down and went boom. Back home now.

I took the bait a few months ago when an annoying pop-up asked how I liked the way Obama was ruining the country. Against my better judgment, I responded to their "pestionaire," making it plain that I preferred his brand of ruination to all other. WELL, soon I was getting invitations to various tea parties. I "unsubsribed" as soon as I could, signing my request "Minnie Mouse." Last e-mail from them began, "Dear Ms. Mouse." In the meantime, of course, they've sold my name to other mailing lists.

rdl said...

Go crock, don't leave nothin back, i love it!! maybe you should run this in the paper for them. :D

sarala said...

Wow. Good rant!